“Just practically speaking they’ve always made the most sense to me. Like just in life, I understand them easier. I’ve dated younger, ‘dated’ a mate, ‘dated’ older and now never dating again but the verdict is in. I prefer older.
Was also thinking about how it’s possible that I’ve never been romantically in love before. Almost been though. At first I thought I have commitment issues, then I realized, no actually, I have issues with men who have commitment issues. I hate deception. always have and always will. So if you like me, you’re going to make to be clear about and stand on it BECAUSE if I sense that your attachment to me is false or flimsy in anyway, even if you only subliminally communicate this, you won’t be able to get me to commit to you in any tangible way. It won’t work. I can’t even get myself to do it. Ask anybody who’s ever tried to date me, it will not work.I have this thing were I know even without knowing. Like I be know things even within knowing that I know them. Like time will pass and I’ll look at a situation and be like ahhhh no wonder. Somehow I knew, I just didn’t know that I knew. Lol happens more than you’d think possible. At this point it’s just the way it goes with me. You can say and do something fake really convincingly and I can even physically in the moment be convinced and go along with it, but my spirit rarely gets deceived and it never goes along with nonsense in perpetuity. Where my conscious boundaries fail me, this one never does. That’s one thing I can always count on. So I might be acting silly but when push comes to shove and the rubber meets the road my spirit has always been able to take the reign of things and put an end to nonsense. In this state even conscious me is usually in shock. I’ve gotten pretty used to shocking myself in this way. It’s the same way I’d goof off throughout a semester then snap out of it to ace the exams 3 weeks to the end and it actually bloody working all the time in the past. Like for those 3 weeks, I’m here but I’m not here. When I finally read the Bible and what is written about The Holy Spirit coming and LIVING in a person (like along side the person) I get it now. It finally makes sense. That’s why now I say, if I mess up that’s on me but if I’m awesome that’s The Holy Spirit you’re watching, no longer me. Kai, Isn’t The Holy Spirit JUST COOL??? Like what a mega flex to have God’s Spirit living inside you? Ah, you’re a liar if you say it’s not. The Third Person in The Trinity! Living inside you! smh 🤐. GOD ba? IS truly LOVE.
How’s this related to older men? Well, I randomly did a self edit lately and realized these things. Turns out I’ve always gotten along best with that demographic anyway so it makes sense that romantically that would be my preference. Why it’s taken 34 years to articulate it honey, that’s the real question. Perhaps that’s why I had the best relationship with my father, feel closest to God the Father in The GOD Head and why instinctively I dodge this demographic like a plague. Stricter boundaries are necessary for the things that have the most capacity to tempt you into nonsense. See what I’m saying? subconsciously I knew even though I technically didn’t know this until this second where I’m writing this. I’m telling you, works every time. Holy Spirit be tipping my spirit off on these important things while I just be ditsy living for the most part. Trying to switch to a different more mature version of this Him and I dynamic now though but I can honestly say I have no regret. Now that I see the pattern, I understand how must I’ve loved and am grateful for it.
Across the board though two things have been revealed as constant from this my latest self review. 1) Where there is deception and or unseriousness, I am INCAPABLE of committing. Fake love and I don’t mix well, it’s like we can’t even pretend to get along. 2) If given the choice between fights and flights romantically, I have often fled. Like if the options are fight for or flee from nonsense? 95% of the time i’m fleeing for sure. If you add freezing to the mix, well, the answer will change. Still have many a questions though, like, Is fleeing worse than fighting? What’s the right balance of fights, freezing and flights to have for a fantastic romantic relationship? Is it even wise to apply any of these responses? I don’t know the answers but I understand this much, Selah is golden when initiated by GOD.
It’s clear that some people panic and cause unnecessary rifts because they are afraid of the vulnerability of love while others run for the same reason. What happens when I’m not afraid of love or being unloved? and does it even matter since I’m already loved? Questions, questions. Fascinating the things you discover about yourself in retrospect. Can say though, I definitely hope for more and braver decisions to ditch the fights along with the flights in favor of ‘standing to fix’ and ‘staying to resolve’ with this already vetted, bold and clear, non-nonsensical older gentleman in my future.
SESSION RESOLUTION:
- Bolder, clearer, more intentional, expressive loving. As a believer it’s tricky because we can’t relate with the world’s hesitation with saying ‘I love you’ to each other romantically like it’s some kind of power play. I loved you before I even met you. To us it’s not a big deal because we’re told to love even our enemies. So when I say I love you I mean it. Romantically though, the new thing is the next time I say I love you, I’m glad it will be without fear.
🤔 I do have somewhat of an ‘old soul’ so I guess this older guy thing just fits. It’s not so strange now that I’ve said it out loud. It’s rather cool to know. To a younger man, I will be intimidating, to a guy my age, I will be annoying, to an older guy? Bring it on baby. Bet this revelation come in be very very handy going forward.”
Got to wrap this up by saying EVERYONE really should try #selftherapy. Why pay someone to hear you talk or vent to people when you can think, pray, write it all out afterwards and share some parts to induce that same level of positive embarrassment that naturally comes from vulnerability of telling a stranger all your intimate life details all while helping someone or two process their own feelings and get better acquainted with their own hearts? Don’t forget always having it documented for your own future touch up sessions, this is great. Cannot think of a better method. Works great so far.
