“It’s one thing to be called something and another to actually BE it. That’s why it doesn’t shock me that I have no friends in this season. I was never really present enough to fully become anybody’s friend. It’s hard to explain but when I was ‘there’ I wasn’t really there because I was always just trying to exist and leave as soon as I was able and when I left, I forgot everything. The place, the feelings, the circumstances, the stories and yes even the people. Now, this might sound cruel or cold but it’s also true, wasn’t intentional but it is the absolute truth. It wasn’t malicious, I wasn’t even aware it was happening but it did and I can admit that.
Back then I lived in my head slot. My plans used to have plans at the time and I was just trying to be anywhere I had to be, focused on doing the tasks at hand to get to whatever the end goal was at the time. (Usually a Certificate, sometimes ‘The Grace’, and more recently the Paycheck) Who was there or wasn’t there just wasn’t a conscious thought I had considered and this was my MO even before the tragedies I experienced, this was just my way of operating. I didn’t think anything of it because is wasn’t happening consciously. In fact once I left an environment I forgot everything and everyone about it almost completely including myself while there. It was easy because It was never an emotional thing it just was what it was. like I’m here now and then I’m not and that’s that. It wasn’t deep one way or the other, positively or negatively.
As for the situations with ‘the male prospects’? Honestly when the choices were the liar, the confused, the rapist and the undecided? AND combined with my admitted absence, It’s no wonder when all was considered it because abundantly clear that I was never really theirs and they definitely weren’t mine.
While it doesn’t feel great writing the words I don’t have friends and I’ve never been a friend before at age 30+, I can still recognize that this is progress. Recognizing and having the understanding of and acceptance for past patterns combined with an honest evaluation of self and others, PLUS taking the appropriate amount of responsibility for the results while being armed with a God approved strategy for doing better in the future is always progress.
Lastly, these are side-notes to self. 1) Don’t be a friend to friends. It doesn’t work. You just end up close to everyone and close to no one at the same time. 2) All relationships, platonic, functional and romantic are supposed to be initiated purposefully through prayer and by the leading of The HOLY SPIRIT. I’m nevvvver try it my own again. It just be producing bad results and I’m done. I’m not designed to function on my own anyway, never was, I just didn’t know it.”
Remember to Be intentional. Be consciously present for all incoming connectionships. All you need is a few good men.
