The Backstory.
Anyone who’s ever participated in sports, especially on a team understands very wellthe strange feeling that comes with being pulled out of a game and benched by your Coach. It’s like a weird combination of pain and relief that just causes a pit in your stomach. Since an athlete can get benched for reasons ranging from a rebuke for poor performance to an acknowledgement of exhaustion to flat-out being injured and needing time to recover, I’m pretty confident in saying that a mix of all three of these had a part to play in influencing the call for my time on the bench which this blog is going to attempt to capture. The painful part of those feelings is usually psychological because you don’t want to quit or be a loser or “let people down”, and the relieving part is mostly physical, because, in spite of your bruised ego, the bench actually means that you’d get a chance (no matter how brief) to rest, catch your breath and recover. While being put back in the game by The Coach might not be guaranteed, I think most serious players stay hopeful about returning to their positions and completing their assignments once the time-out is complete, before the game is up.
Hello, hi, my name is Honey, my Coach’s name is Ruach and for the past 3 years or so, He has benched me from the Game of Life. I very well deserved it and yet really needed it. The following is some reflective writing from the bench as my season now changes. I should start off by saying that a cave or “the bench” in this instance, could easily be abused for the purpose of hiding. However, more often than not, especially for the child of God, it is a divinely orchestrated layaway season designed to sit you down and work on you while giving you room to rest and recover. Simply put, The Potterhas declared a re-call on you “as a product” and now you must get taken off the shelves, brought back into the lab and re-done. As you can imagine, in that kind of work, you’d most likely have to first be stripped down, broken, heated up and melted down so that you can become pliable in His hands and workable to his tools again. Only then can you be remoulded and made over. I’m not going to pretend guys, it hurts. This was not a fun process at all, not by a long shot. Mmmehhn! it hurt, it reeeealyy hurt, but, I can now say from the other side of that experience that it’s worth it in the end. The Porter also decides the length of time required, much like with The Coach, you don’t get to decide when it ends. (Just FYI).
So what had happened was, the equivalent of a nuke-level bomb went off in my life and blew it to bits about 7 years ago. It came in waves. First came the sweet, then came the sour. I “bravely” put on the popular “don’t let them see you sweat” facade before everyone and did it so well that in time, I too believed it. Every day I pretended that I was ok and that I “came out on the other side” of that devastation unscathed (as if that is possible).
Of course, to make it believable, I had to ignore all the natural cracks that were now only visible to God because the other two people who would have normally seen them and alerted me to the impending disaster that was playing out in real time had both (semi-permanently), “changed their living locations” without any chance of being contacted. I ignored all the hints I received from my own soul because well, the show had to go on and there was only so much time and bandwidth to focus on things. I was quite frankly, just taking my queues from all of nature itself around me. It was hard not to notice that everything just went on as if nothing had happened. In my mind at the time, I was suspended in a state of shock not because I didn’t believe that the event had occurred but because everything had moved on regardless. Somewhere in my mind, it basically felt like I was being gaslit by everything including the constellations (if you can believe it) isn’t that something? I kept looking up at the sky to see if anything would change or shift but it didn’t. They all went on about their jobs because well, they must. Their master had instructed them to do just that at creation and they haven’t stopped ever since.
Now I knew that they must but what I’m trying to explain here is that I was looking for a sign, any sign of life coming to some kind of halt (because that was what it felt like inside me) but it didn’t. The sun came up and went down, the moon did the same and people just “People-ed” around me so there became this strong dichotomy between what was happening inside and what I was watching and living outside. Picture someone’s soul screaming in pain right in front of you while the body is physically talking to you while sitting still and carrying on the conversation with you at the same time. You’d be forgiven if you assumed that the person conversing with you was having a conscious moment because it is complete with a smile and making eye contact. There was nothing on the surface to suggest otherwise.
This was my life for years. I even stopped talking to myself. You know, the normal internal dialogue you have within you? I was so in shock that I didn’t notice how silent my mind had become. I had no thoughts. None. I was on autopilot, that was how I was able to show up at the places I was supposed to be. Without this, it would have been impossible because I was constantly forgetting the simplest things, like what I had worn or eaten the day before, the route I had taken on my drive to work, or where I had parked the car when it was time to leave work in the evening, conversations I’d had and worst of all, I had forgotten to how to feel. Months had passed before I realised that last one because one day I consciously registered for the first time that the heat of the sun was hot. This might sound very odd but it’s true. I remember that moment because it was a moment for me. The same sun that I had watched in awe because it was unchanged, and had walked under every day for months, I somehow simultaneously forgot to remember that it was hot. I was so fragmented and detached from myself, so unaware that it was notable that I felt the sun’s heat on my skin that day. That’s how bad it got. I often felt like I was underwater or something or at least somewhere in between worlds. This was most noticeable to me whenever I tried to listen to people as they spoke to me about anything. They all sounded muffled, distant somehow, even if they were right in front of me. So I just nodded and smiled politely so as not to scare anyone. I would cry out of my sleep, (ie wake up and realise that I’d been crying.) I would schedule a time to cry usually when I was alone and often while I was driving, I stopped dreaming completely. I thought I wasn’t talking to God but in reality, as I would later discover He too wasn’t talking to me. Even if he was, I honestly couldn’t hear Him. I had a silent mind, remember?
In that first year after “le catastrophe,” I had only 7 days off work and the following year, I had 30, all of which I went and spent getting a superficial but major surgery done in a country far, far away. Considering the fact that I had started work 13 days or so after burying 3 people I loved on the same day, suffice it to say, I NEEDED to rest. I needed a break. I needed to sit down somewhere and be still for a considerable length of time until I had processed some things, I JUST NEEDED TO CATCH MY BREATH. Ce Bon?
Looking back now, I can see that the way I started living was the exact opposite of what I actually needed for my health. I don’t know if you’ve ever had surgery but let me tell you that is not a physical condition that’s helpful to rest. Picture being in excruciating pain and unable to move for weeks. It helped little that I was in a Spa environment but being in that condition so far away from home even in America, was very very stressful. It took a lot more than 30 days to even physically recover, 6 months to be exact. In that state, I had no energy to spare for the healing of my Spirit or Soul when my Body so desperately needed all of it. The amazing thing about lying in that bed unable to move though was that it was like for the first time in the 2 years since “le catastrophe”, my body and my soul and my spirit were on the exact same page. Before then, there was a split at best but a definite disarray. So as I was crying alone for weeks at that Spa, I was crying for all of me for the first time. Thank God I had this wonderful Christian nurse who He used (along with her Spanish praise and worship songs playlist), to start planting the seed of worship into my broken heart again. She listened to the same Christian album constantly as she was around and helped me so much that I even learned some of the songs. I left her county with that seed unconsciously and very deeply rooted in me.
God watched me as I came back and resumed the facade again and (like only a true Father would), He interrupted my environment by speaking to me for the first time after a long time, even before I started relating with him again. As time passed though and I started to listen to sermons and songs talking about him, for the first time in those years since the catastrophe It actually seemed like I was getting better. Shockingly, He instituted the cave, this very cave, on my behalf. I know now that it was because He alone knew something that no one else knew and saw something coming that not even I could see. Honey had come to the end of herself. I crashed and burned guys; THANK GOD it was by His divine orchestration, imagine if I had done it alone. I crashed right at the time when arrangements for “the cave” were already being established. This is why I can say in hindsight, that the last 3 years that followed that season, can only be described as an act of the Hand of God, even though I didn’t know it in the beginning.
So What IS A Cave Anyway? And Is It Different From A Wilderness?
The wilderness and the cave seasons of a person’s life are very similar in my opinion, perhaps too much to significantly distinguish between them and yet, I’m not quite sure that they are the exact same things. Much like the feeling of being benched that I mentioned before, I can say that these are times and places of intense isolation and separation where you are forced to become completely focused and dependent on God and fully committed to the healing work which your broken life now requires. I see so many similar elements between these places which include the unavoidable pause or timeout feature they both share. Honestly, the closer I look the more it really seems like both seasons had been combined into one in the experience I’ve had over these past years. Although it has been a very beautiful time it has also been a horrible place to be. I think the physical beauty of where I’ve been living is a bit symbolic of the results God always intended to unearth in me through the pains and hardships He has allowed me to go through, being confident the entire time that out from the ashes, He could and would reveal His beauty. The cave and wilderness are both intensely unpleasant places to be both spiritually and sometimes physically. God becomes your literal lifeline here. It cannot be overstated that these are not palaces of fun and pleasure by any stretch of the imagination. They are rough and difficult by design and dangerously unnerving on purpose.
The only major difference I’ve observed between these two places is that caves seem to be triggered by a combination of self-and people-inflicted circumstances, like fear, jealousy and envy from one’s enemies, disobedience to God’s laws, a lack of faith, depression, like with Elijah; while the wildernesses appear to be orchestrated by the leadings and instructions of God to punish and execute judgment like in the case of the first-generation Israelites who were rescued out of captivity in Egypt, who He subsequently sentenced to die in the wilderness and were banned from entering into the promised land because of their faithlessness and fear. We also have instances in the Bible where the wilderness was allowed and orchestrated to separate and refine a person for a position of greatness like in Joseph’s life or to serve the purpose of temptations and sufferings in preparedness for a job like the case of Jesus Christ. The point is, wildernesses seem more God-orchestrated while caves seem to be people induced.
Scripturally, I think both places, the cave and the wilderness also use similar tools which God deploys for the refinement of those He loves. Tools such as exposure to the elements and temptations for the testing of our faith. Whether or not they are in fact the same place, I don’t know but they have similar purposes, such as; To punish or chastise God’s children, to teach and to train, to fortify, to break and remake, to heal their wounds and restore strength to continue, to refine and remold them, to expose weakness and instill courage, to cultivate hope through trust in God and his plans and methods, to reveal the grace of God in our ineptitudes, to refine through the fire, to install patience and grace for the wait, to assess the heart and infuse confidence in God, to establish a posture of worship and build a culture of daily surrender, to expose and extract pride, to test our obedience and commitment to our Father, to reveal purpose, to remove the filth and wash clean, to recalibrate one’s sight and install vision, to fine-tune hearing and alertness to the voice of God, to cultivate closeness and intimacy, to be tempted and shaken for the purpose of exposing one’s core so that only what is from God remains, to activate every gift God’s embedded in you from the beginning and be prepared for a commissioning.
Very famous people who’ve been in Caves and led to Wildernesses. (And why)
- Elijah: He is the very first person that should come to mind for any true bible nerd worth their salt because the situation was so shocking. How do you go from calling down fire from Heaven on a mountain in the presence of a crowd and the crown of your country, burning up hundreds of a god’s priests in the process, even mocking them before their deaths, to running away and hiding in a cave from “the matron” of the dead priests who sends you a message (not even in person or over zoom) threatening to kill you in 24 hours? like how does that happen? The answer? fear, forgetfulness, exhaustion, faithlessness and depression. (it should be noted here that Elijah never died). That’s right, to this day he’s still alive even though jezebel said she would kill him in a day. Ain’t that something? Turns out that she and the weak husband would be dead even before he was taken up in the infamous Chariot of Fire ride into Heaven. Of course, their entire household is now all long dead too. There was never any reason to run. Mennnn, when I say I love God? Hollywood ain’t got NOTHING on him when it comes to storylines. You gotta love it.
- Joseph: He went through a cave and a wilderness season into captivity in Egypt for over a decade because of his immaturity and foolishness in exhibiting a lack of self and social awareness by not noticing the heart postures of his siblings and the jealousy and envy within the members of his family
- The Children of Israel: Who can forget, their faithlessness, ungrateful murmuring and complaining, disobedience, forgetfulness of the great acts God had already performed to deliver them out of slavery and illogical fear of their enemy got them banished by God from entering into Canaan and were sentenced to the entire generation (except for 2 men) wondering for 40 years on a 13-day journey and all eventually dying?
- Jonah: Even Mr Jonah found himself in a rather drastic “cave-ish wilderness” experience INSIDE the belly of a whale for three nights because of his blatant disobedience to God’s clear instructions to him. You might say umm, “it’s quite the stretch to call that a cave Honey” and maybe you’re right but al least we can all agree on a couple of things like 1) he was in there alone 2) it definitely wasn’t the Ritz by any stretch of the imagination whatsoever 3) that God orchestrated it and 4) he did wind up in there as a direct consequence of his actions and that those 3 days was “time imposed of him” to recalibrate his thinking and correct himself yes? Cool. (It sure beats drowning at sea in rebellion). That fish was basically Jonah’s rescue AND his punishment at the same time.
- David: The most famous king of Israel who because God’s anointing had shifted, found himself on the run from the one who God had anointed him to replace. He had to hide in caves with a bunch of hooligans as he was patiently waiting for The Lord to install him as King over Israel instead of Saul.
- Daniel: He was conspired against by his colleagues to be killed by being thrown into a cave filled with lions because of the Hand of God and the favour of the king on him. We all know the infamous miracle that ensued.
- Yeshua THE CHRIST: Jesus of course who right after his water baptism by his cousin John and the announcement by God’s own voice to the world, confirming before men that he was HIS SON, was basically immediately led into the wilderness by The Holy Spirit to be tempted of the devil.
I hope that you can glean from these examples especially with David and Daniel that the paths that lead to caves are very nuanced. Their stories exemplify for us that sometimes caves are not of your own making but because of the cruelty and injustices of others around you. I have come to accept in such matters and situations that If God permits it, He intends to use it.
What Causes Caves And Wildernesses To Happen To People, Sway?
Well, I’m glad you asked. There’s a whole host of causes but they include; 1) The love of God. Yes, I said LOVE. 2) Life mistakes and serial poor decisions. 3) Exhaustion and the need for a break. God who created you and knows what you need, gifted us all the sabbath to be refreshed and reconnected with him weekly. Listen, if you learn nothing from this blog, learn this. Please, please, prioritise rest and guard it fiercely. It’s a gift of God to you that He made sure to encode in HIS commandments to you. If nothing else shows you its importance, I hope that that would. It’s definitely important to God. Don’t get burnt out, you make dumb moves when you’re tired. 4) Ignorance of God, His word and the world and 4) The attacks of people. Jealousy and envy are dangerous spirits to allow to flourish around you. It’s so deathly that God inspired Solomon to warn….. “jealousy is as severe and cruel as Sheol (the place of the dead). Its flashes are flashes of fire, [A most vehement flame] the very flame of the [a]Lord!” Don’t play with it. Nuff said.
“… because Adonai disciplines the one He loves and punishes every son He accepts.”
HEBREWS 12: 6. | TREE OF LIFE BIBLE VERSION.
Self-Reflection; So How Exactly Did I Get Here?
As I said, any number of reasons can get one into a cave and wilderness season but for me, who was slammed with a combination of both I can honestly tick the “all the above and then some” box underneath the following. From faithlessness, fear, tiredness, depression, foolishness and a total lack of self-awareness or social and relational intelligence, to disobedience to God’s laws, and forgetfulness of the greatness of God and his mighty mighty works which He had done over at least 2 generations of my family. All the ingratitude that led to murmuring and complaining, (which God loathes by the way), to sheer irresponsibility with stewarding the great blessings so liberally bestowed on me (in spite of failures and sin), short-sightedness, blindness to the truth, pride, ignorance of God’s actual word, a grave misunderstanding of the world and how it works, a gross underestimation of the effects of “the fall” on mankind, and a whole host of other reasons. I could really go on and on and on and on, but you get the point. NO-ONE except God knew all of these old facts about me. I’m listing them out today as if I knew, I knew NOTHING. That’s why it had to be Him and his hand who triggered, orchestrated, financed, and managed every aspect of this cave-y wilderness places he’s had to lead me through for all these years. Yes. I referenced both the cave AND the wilderness. Ouch is right.
So What Happens In A Pretty, Cave-y, Wilderness Honey?
Well, there are 2 categories of things I’ve learned that happen. There are the painful stuff and the sweet stuff. There are many many wonderful blessings and yet, there are horrible parts. Someday maybe we’ll get a chance to explore them in detail but for now, we’ll make do with this list and the knowledge that there are really countless and that the new normal is that every single day I find myself discovering new things to thank GOD for. There is just so much more stuff that has happened over these years that has now panned out much differently which gives me a plethora of reasons to keep praising Him. For the sake of this blog though, I will list a couple. Also note, As it turns out, the pains are necessities of The Cave-y Wilderness. I’m not a gem but I imagine (you know, if stones had feelings) that it would be hella painful for them precious stones or rare earth materials to be run through any furnace multiple times in order to be refined and turned into the fabulous products that we all love and admire and are willing to pay hefty prices to acquire. Simply put, is not a particularly pleasant process being in the cave.
The painful stuff list;
- The stripping is real y’all.
- The dropouts and the abrupt endings are plenty.
- Being misunderstood is common.
- Being blamed and shamed for stuff is also pretty common.
- You’ll be attacked.
- Prepare for the inevitable isolation.
- Getting “knived’ happens sometimes but in time, you’ll recover quicker than you used to.
- Being watched and monitored could occur.
- Being set up is possible.
- Seeing God, people, situations and yourself clearly are guaranteed.
The sweet stuff in the cave list; (these are literally too many to count)
- Seeing people and yourself so clearly stops sucking so much.
- You understand God’s GOD-ness in a cave-y wilderness.
- You learn His ways and antics.
- You face fear.
- You learn The Holy Spirit’s personality.
- God always sends help.
- You activate your “forgiveness muscle”.
- God heals your body, soul and spirit.
- You learn love here. Especially the AGAPE kind.
- God gives vision. The clarity is fantastic.
- You learn your own voice and how to separate it from the chatter.
- You understand God’s Kingdom better.
- You find rest for your soul and peace for your heart here.
- You discover and highly esteem the beauty and brilliance of His word.
- God gives instructions and you get better at obeying them.
- God feeds your spirit, soul and body.
- Truth becomes a priority.
- God establishes your identity and dependence on him as his child, basically, you will find yourself.
- You will humble yourself and learn the skills to maintain it as you leave.
The Wrap-Up
My lessons, blessings and gains from this season really are way too many to count. From the people, I’ve met, to the places and things I’ve learned and found, to treasures I’ve discovered, and access I’ve received, I could write an entire book on these but the very best highlight is that here is where I met my big brother, Yeshua. I’ve known him all my life (specifically since I was 3 years old) thanks to my parents, but I’d never met him until now. It is the highest of the peaks of this entire horridly fantastic experience and if only for this honour of meeting him, I would do this over again because He’s worth it.
If you are wise, You’ll probably only need one of these seasons in your lifetime, or at least you should but I’ve already had one and a half of my own and I’m only 33 so, who knows? In the process, I had to choose to forgive myself and everyone and to forget every satanically conspired situation that influenced me to get so off the path God had for me that He had to conduct such a drastic intervention by benching me. Today I can honestly say that like Joseph, I believe that what you meant for evil, God has used it all for the good. I choose to forgive and embrace my future, wherever The LORD takes me. If there is any vengeance left to be had, it is now all in the hand of God.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
Romans 8:26-28 – THE MESSAGE BIBLE VERSION.
I advise you all to be on the lookout for such times when God-orchestrated seasons like these appear on the paths of your own lives. Instead of praying against them may I suggest asking first searching for God’s heart towards every storm first and finding his reasons for the things he allows your way because more often than not, it is through the trials and triumphs of men especially His children that his glory is most revealed on the Earth. I heard a preacher once say that when God chastens you, it’s to turn you away from sin and correct you, but when He prunes, it is to increase your fruitfulness for a multiplied harvest. They are both painful processes but one is to punish and correct, and the other is to encourage good work and accelerate growth. May our Father give us the grace to discern both seasons and to trust that He will always make sure that his good intentions to “make us over”, better and stronger, in spirit, soul and body will be fulfilled.
Some translations of the scripture in Romans above bothered to add that this promise is for “those who love God and are called according to His purpose”. Perhaps you might benefit from learning who these people are that this promise applies to, (as defined by God of course). I also suggest that you research the qualifications of “those who love God” in the bible and find out what your own part is according to His purpose. A range of words are used to describe this phenomenal season in the lives of people in the bible, the pit, the cave, wilderness, pruning but the aim was exactly the same, To bear much fruit. The bottomline, Father wants us all to bear much fruit.
I hope and pray that this piece helps you greatly. As someone who I can’t remember now said, “Everyone who walks with God is at every point in their journey, either on their way into a cave, currently in a cave or recently out of one”. I don’t know if he’s correct but here is a blog from my most recent episode in “the cave”. Thank you, God, for this Cave-y Wilderness because it was either that or that broad road to death for me. I’m very grateful.
Postscript
A MAJOR Christian Life Hack: Repent. Quickly. Don’t be lying to yourself, you know when you’re trippin and your daddy (GOD) is mad at you. YOU KNOW when you’re acting a fool out here in these streetz and your father’s not pleased with you. You KNOW IT. You can pretend, but you WILL know. Unless you’re not his kid. If you’re not God’s child, I’m not talking to you in this segment. This hack will not work for you boo. For those of us who are, If you check yourself, you probably won’t get checked. You already know the right thing to do, so do it. It’s even better for you when you don’t have to be told and you just self-correct fast and fully because sometimes the decision of Heaven on your case, for not bearing fruit and misrepresenting the Kingdom is death. Yup, Your Father would rather your body died and you came up and sat on the bench right beside him where He is than lose you forever. Remember though, sometimes this season is just to refine you and test you, like your brother Jesus. I’m even talking to ALL my futureselves in this life hack right now.
Glad to say that my Coach has officially UNbenched me.
Merry (Seasonal) Sufferings.
